Idolator
Welcome to Idolator's American Idolatry, our episode-by-episode recap of the ratings steamroller that is American Idol. Last night's episode was the latest in the seemingly endless parade of audition episodes; it was set in Birmingham, Ala., which went to great pains to dub itself "The Place Where Idols Are Born," thanks to being within driving distance of two Idol winners' hometowns.
After the jump, a look at last night's episode, including a disappearing Paula, a young woman who seemed to have learned her verbal skills from Jennifer Tilly movies (above), and the hardest hard-luck story we've heard yet.
Sure, Alabama natives Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks may be Idols, but it's not as if either of them is currently burning up the charts (anyone remember The Return?). Tonight's episode was pretty light on the comedy, probably because Paula left halfway through—the proceedings felt kind of rushed. Our favorite contestant had to be Orlando's Katie Bernard, a 19-year-old blonde whose speaking voice sounded like a baby's first helium-induced gurgles; her singing voice was much deeper, if a little too over-the-top, and she made it through solely on the strength of that contrast's ability to annoy the crap out of Simon.
Other highlights:
HARDEST-LUCK CONTESTANT: Hands down, it's Jamie Lynn Ward, a drawly teen who's taking care of her paralyzed-from-the-neck-down father—he found out that his now-ex-wife was cheating on him, so he shot her, and then shot himself in the neck. This, plus her pledge to buy her grandmother a house if she won, pretty much guaranteed her passage to the Hollywood round, even though her voice was kind of weak. Also, not to be indelicate, but anyone know what happened to the ex-wife?
MOST ILL-ADVISED TACTIC FOR "STANDING OUT": Fifty-year-old clothing designer Margaret Fuller, who tried to convince the judges she was 26 by wearing an outfit made from reconstructed stuffed chickens. (Go ahead, click the link.)
THE "BEAT IT" JOKE IS WAY TOO EASY: We have a question for Diana Wallace: Why would you wear a lone pink-sequined glove and then not sing Michael Jackson?
THROWING THE INTERNET A BONE: Chris Sligh referred to himself as "Christina Aguilera in Jack Osbourne's body" and said that his goal was to make David Hasselhoff cry. Of course, he has a blog, too, although his professed admiration for pretty much every lousy musician ever (Staind and Michael Bolton?!) cooled our enthusiasm a bit.
PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: Incomplete. She was cruising for an 8 or so out of 10—the first audition made her run around in circles behind the judges' table, Jennifer Tilly II's burbling forced her to her knees, and she was doing a lot of awkward chair-dancing—but then, midway through the episode, she disappeared. Or maybe she just fell into a "Coca-Cola"-induced nap under the table, and Randy and Simon decided it wasn't worth their while to rouse her from dreamland.
American Idol [americanidol.com]
Earlier: Idolator's American Idolatry archives
Comments
If that Jamie Lynn Ward sob story isn't entirely fabricated, I will shoot myself in the neck.
Paula was at least a 9 out of 10 on the out-of-it scale. The woman was totally zonked out of her mind, and I'm convinced the "family matter" that cuased her absence on Day 2 was a short-lived detox.
Chris Sligh reminds of the kid in the 40 year old virgin who tried to buy the boots from the eBay store.
The show said that she had to go back to LA for a personal matter. Or a family emergency. Did everyone miss that?
you could practically see the quote around "family event" when Ryan said it.
Well, um, actually, Margaret Fuller, she of the Easter Bunny costume and Easter Island head, is the ex-wife of Jamie Lynn Ward's dad.
He shot her only because she sat on him while he was watching his favorite TV show, the Biggest Loser.
Some of the feathers from her costume inadvertantly went up his nose, causing him to involuntarily sneeze and squeeze the trigger on his gun. (Gun-clutching is a staple of Carolinan male TV-watching. The other hand holds the remote.)
Her particularly fine singing voice was caused by the bullet, which entered her body just to the south side of her anus, causing a significantly altered wind passage around her body.
It is thought that she has approached Michael Jackson to record a duet with him. He said: " of course, as long as you'll carry a baby for me."
He believes she's 26 too.
from her hometown paper:
Sunday, February 26, 2006
A Reidsville man shot his wife, then turned the gun on himself early Saturday morning, according to police. Officers responded to a domestic disturbance about 1:30 a.m. Saturday at 2226 S. Scales St., after a concerned caller requested police check on a woman who lives there. Several Reidsville officers arrived on the scene and Beverly Emory Ward, of the residence, told them her husband had shot her. Ward's husband, James Woodrow Ward, was found inside the house with gunshot wounds. After being treated on the scene by EMS, both were transported to area hospitals. At press time, James Ward was in critical condition, according to a Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center spokesperson. Beverly Ward's condition was not available at press time.
So why isn't her dad in jail? Do paralyzed people get a free pass from prison, or did this fall under North Carolina's "Bitch Had It Comin'" Law?
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