Idolator

Blabbermouth has posted a press release citing unimpeachable scientific data claiming that 35 percent of metal songs contain Satanic content:

The Interfax Russian news agency reports that most heavy metal songs are about murder and suicide, according to the Serbsky State Research Center for Social and Forensic Psychiatry professor Fyodor Kondratyev.

"Having researched 700 most popular heavy metal songs revealed that half of them is about murder, 7 percent is positive about suicide, and 35 percent preaches a variety of Satanist ideologies," Kondratyev said in his interview published in Rossiyskaya Gazeta daily on Monday.

Two things came to mind here. One, this is obviously true; it corresponds with the prevailing stereotypes everyone has about metal and Satan and stuff, so of course it's based in fact. That's just, like, duh. The other is that MORE RESEARCH IS NEEDED! We must propagate more of this sort of useful information so that innocent, unwary music fans know what they're getting into. Here are the results of some scientific research, straight off the dome:

• Scotland Yard has determined that happy hardcore is 46% about rainbows
•An M.I.T. survey shows that 32% of glitchy laptop IDM features titles taken straight from the LiveJournal diaries of the music's makers, who are 94% dudes with few social skills
• Saint Louis University in Madrid, Spain, determined that a whopping 64% of flamenco is performed on the acoustic guitar
• According to an Oberlin College study, feminist folk accounts for the soundtrack of 58% of all L.U.G. (lesbian until graduation) indoctrination ceremonies, 97% of which occur in the dorm rooms of liberal-arts colleges
• A São Paulo institute has proven that 91% of Brazilian music is made in Brazil

Anyway, you get the idea. And so does Fyodor Kondratyev, to whom we dedicate these two clips:

35 Percent Of Heavy Metal Songs Have Satanic Content: Expert [Blabbermouth]