Idolator

Good evening, and welcome to exactly what it says in the headline. We're broadcasting live and relatively loud from my trap houseliving room in beautiful Burlington, the weekend home of hip-hop in Dirty South Jersey. Tonight we bring the television-free rap fans among you a celebration of hip-hop's celebration of its slipping relevance and fading vitality, thanks to the patronage of of those b-boys at VH1. Joining me will be my roommate Drew, our bassett hound Scarface*, possibly my mother, and you, the hip-hop nation. Together we'll relive the days when we actually gave something of a shit about this genre rather than merely defended from the haters on principle while wanting to weep for the potential of the artform every time we check the iTunes Top 10were all in the same gang:

*His hip-hop nom de plume, because "Rosebud" isn't exactly, you know, "hard."

9:55 P.M.: We have both eaten a big pre-Honors steak in honor of this photo:

Which I should point out is an AP file photo.

9:57 P.M.: We'll be under way as soon as the horror of the last moments of I Love New York have finished.

9:59 P.M.: And Tracy Morgan is showing off his LP copy of Krush Groove and CB4 T-shirt.

10:01 P.M.: His favorite hip-hop dance is the wop. The worst hip-hop dance is the laffy taffy. He also knocked up his wife to "I Need Love."

10:03 P.M.: Drew just asked if New Jack Swing can "really be considered a hip-hop genre." I might have to kick him out of the living room already.

10:04 P.M.: What in the hell is Harvey Keitel doing on this show?

10:05 P.M.: Tribe Called Quest looking old. Whodini looking bald. The New Jack Swing contingent sporting some serious Mr. Magoo eyewear.

10:07 P.M.: Missy up first for premature canonization. Because her "music sounds like the future" and "took the negativity out of the word bitch and turned it into a positive powerful word for women."

10:08 P.M.: Now here's a Missy history montage which has sparked the question "What did ever happen to Magoo?"

10:10 P.M.: Missy's sparkly airbrushed T-shirt portrait of Purple Rain-era Prince is officially already the most covetable item of clothing of the evening.

10:11 P.M.: "Who is that?" "Swamp Thing." Actually I think it might be Keyshia Cole.

10:12 P.M.: No wait, it's...Tweet? Maybe?

10:13 P.M.: And what would a Missy tribute be without a breakdancing grade schooler?

10:14 P.M.: Nelly Furtado drops the Smurfette "Get Ur Freak On" rap and my mother wonders where her ass has gone.

10:16 P.M.: Ciara looking weirdly like J-Lo. It might be the outfit or it might be that she's just shouting at everybody in lieu of singing as she pops her booty.

10:18 P.M.: So far this has been 1000% more (non-shamefully) entertaining and coherently edited than the VMA's.

10:22 P.M.: Diddy up now to "pay homage" to Teddy Riley and the new jack swingers.

10:24 P.M.: Andre Harrell credits Barry Michael Cooper in the Village Voice for coining "new jack swing." See, music critics do have an effect on popular culture.

10:25 P.M.: You know, without the endless embarassing spectacle and general feeling that you're witnessing the end point of American culture, these awards shows are a lot less exciting. Stop having so much respect for yourselves and your music, rappers.

10:26 P.M.: Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee, Ne-Yo, and T-Pain take the stage to pay tribute to new jack swing. Because what would a hip-hop awards show be without trotting Doug E. Fresh out?

10:28 P.M.: "T-Pain singing without the vocoder kind of sounds like Poopdeck Pappy."

10:30 P.M.: Backup dancers in gold lame leggings: late '80s R&B tribute or American Apparel ad?

10:31 P.M.: Kool Moe Dee beefing up enough to possibly try out for the Biggie biopic.

10:35 P.M.: Is Benicio Del Toro really starring in a movie named after a Low album?

10:36 P.M.: My mom on the future of hip-hop: "Most of these people are 10 years away from entertaining busloads of seniors in Branson."

10:38 P.M.: When exactly was Spinderella airbrushed out of Salt and Pepa?

10:39 P.M.: Ne-Yo kicking and grabbing his crotch through Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time" and the lack of ancient Egyptian garb is just (smooth) criminal.

10:40 P.M.: Rational blogging is impossible during "No Diggity." Even a mediocre performance thereof.

10:41 P.M.: At the first note of the "Rump Shaker" saxophone, Drew dropped into a tripod and began vigorously thrusting his ass into the air.

10:43 P.M.: It's actually kind of disturbing me.

10:44 P.M.: Oh hey, there's Spinderella!

10:45 P.M.: mom@idolator (10:44:54 PM): Are you reading this shit that I am writing? Cause it is golden.

10:47 P.M.: Sorry folks, nobody's said anything particularly indefensibly, slapped a peer, wrecked a "suite," or trainwrecked on stage. I'm dying here.

10:50 P.M.: LL Cool J getting nostalgic for the underground days of hip-hop while dressed like the Shop Boyz's dad. Nice wallet chain, grandpa.

10:55 P.M.: This tribute to Wild Style is actually so reverent that it's kind of...boring?

10:57 P.M.: Then again, I've always been something of a philistine when it comes to old old-school hip-hop.

10:58 P.M.: Wait, Harvey Keitel is honoring...Snoop Dogg. Well, at least things are finally getting a little inexplicable.

11:00 P.M.: I guess they have both played pimps at various points in their careers.

11:02 P.M.: Did I actually just see Ludacris as an elf in this commercial for upcoming holiday family flick Fred Claus?

11:03 P.M.: Whodini refusing to let rap's jaunty leatherman cap phase die.

11:07 P.M.: "The Freaks Come Out At Night" > anything T-Pain will ever do.

11:10 P.M.: Why are Jermaine Dupri's backup dancers dressed like the Shins?

11:12 P.M.: Drew is now trying to defend his earlier dissing of new jack swing as a genre worthy of a fake honor by VH1 by claiming that they could have merely honored Teddy Riley, but I'm not hearing all that.

11:15 P.M.: You know, Taco Bell's ad for the "Cheesy Beefy Melt" has rubbed me the wrong way for weeks now. I have always been in love with melty cheesy.

11:20 P.M.: Harvey Keitel has just claimed that Snoop Dogg's lyrics "change the weather." To which Snoop has responded with a blank stare.

11:22 P.M.: Snoop Dogg's first record: the "Ring My Bell" 45 with the big hole.

11:23 P.M.: Sorry, a little emergency. Scarface has knocked over a beer and is now licking it up off the floor. We're about to have a drunk bassett hound up in here.

11:25 P.M.: I think Snoop's daughter might be on a contact high.

11:26 P.M.: mom@idolator (11:26:35 PM): I hope they do "Murder was the charge they gave me".

11:28 P.M.: Is this over yet? I think I've been in a steak coma for the last 20 minutes.

11:30 P.M.: "Are you going to get mad if I say that the commercials are more entertaining than the show?"

11:31 P.M.: Have the "Tracy Morgan pokes fun at square white dudes and old Asian guys" sketches gotten old yet? A: Yes.

11:34 P.M.: Harvey Keitel is now praising Snoop's "idealism."

11:35 P.M.: Pharrell's 75% bleeped-out "Drop It Like Its Hot" verse begs the question: When did this show become "a tribute to my own guest verse on the honorees' song"?

11:37 P.M.: Is it kosher for Skateboard P to be sporting red during this song?

11:41 P.M.: Next time Maura asks me to live-blog a moderately engaging awards show that's mostly all-star medleys I'm going to buy more than one six pack.

11:43 P.M.: "Ah, A Tribe Called Quest, what we've all been waiting for. Well, that and getting to go to bed."

11:48 P.M.: Isn't Pharrell wearing a backpack while performing a Tribe song laying it on just a little thick?

11:50 P.M.: "Tonight the part of Busta Rhymes will be played by Serj Tankian from System of a Down."

11:52 P.M.: Wait, did a miniature Behind The Music episode about Irv Gotti just sprout during the commercials? What in the hell is going on?

11:54 P.M.: At the first sight of Murder Inc. signee Vanessa Carlton, Drew has begun singing "White Houses." Or it might be "Kiss Me Deadly."

11:56 P.M.: We will not be live-blogging the sneak preview of VH1's Irv Gotti reality show.

11:59 P.M.: Tribe has seemingly not lost a step since I was in high school, but even VH1 knows well enough to start rolling the credits on this snoozefest before they've even finished a hoarse taken on "Award Tour."

12:01 P.M.: Well everyone, I hope you were mildy entertained by my mildly engaged quips about professionally executed but musically bland clips show. Join us next time for Idolator's Run's House marathon live-blog.

12:07 P.M.: Wait, they're re-running it. Should I live-blog this again and see what kind of half-coherent nonsense comes out as I start to nod off on my laptop?

12:08 P.M.: Hell no. Goodnight everybody. See you in nine hours.