Idolator

Welcome to Idolator's liveblog of the 41st Annual CMA Awards, coming to you live from Nashville and my couch in Astoria. Expected tonight: Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley with a marching band, and this band called ... Eagles Fly? Where Eagles Dare? Oh, right. The Eagles. I don't know much about them, but apparently they have a new album out?

8:00 p.m. It's country music's biggest night! And we're kicking off with Rascall Flatts! Gary LeVox (the voice, you know) is in a shirt that's sparkly, yet tasteful.

8:01 p.m. Judging by the video projections behind this performance of the title song from the new Rascal Flatts album, the band is really angling for an endorsement deal with VW buses.

8:02 p.m. This song is not bad, in a "1984 track by Loverboy, but with banjo" way.

8:03 p.m. Now, the video behind the band has turned into a montage of past CMA glories! It looks like Monday Night Football.

8:04 p.m. Ah, so they're getting the ABC cross-promotion into the show's mix right off with Nashville-born Desperate Housewives star very woodenly reading from the teleprompter. It's apparently another one of those multi-headed-hydra-hosted affairs, no doubt for the sake of maximum cross-promotion.

8:05 p.m. Miranda Lambert singing "Gunpowder and Lead," one of my favorite songs of the past year, and looking kind of like she just flew in from a Cheryl Tiegs convention. Like, on the wing of whatever plane she was traveling on.

8:07 p.m. Yay, Miranda. Your album deserves to sell more!

8:08 p.m. Poor Gretchen Wilson, getting Kid Rock's cooties on her. And now, Sheryl Crow is trying to make the Jewel move, affecting a really terrible Southern accent while presenting the Single of the Year award ... until she starts reading from the Teleprompter.

8:09 p.m. Jessica SImpson is in the audience, too. Man, everyone is trying for the crossover right now. Is the pop market that dead?

8:09 p.m. "Before He Cheats" is Single of the Year, which is like, duh. (Poor "Ticks," though.)

8:11 p.m. Nice timing of the extended Carrie Underwood clip with the announcement of the Song Of The Year award coming up! Don't want to fuel those conspiracy theories too much, guys.

8:14 p.m. Sign that the rush for Nashville is getting a little too crowded: Even Robin Williams is trying for a country crossover.

8:15 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is back to introduce George Strait. This whole show really just seems like a calm, nice bath after the Adderall-infected mess that was the VMAs. I feel so calm! And George Strait's summery midtempo song about cowgirls is just making my mood even sunnier!

8:18 p.m. This may be the most pro-strong-woman song I've heard in a pop-music context since the mid-'90s. "She can do just fine on her own two feet / But she wants a man who wants her to be herself"? I'm in love.

8:20 p.m. Montgomery Gentry presents the Song of the Year award. And it goes to ... "Give It Away" by George Strait, thus setting up the first "winner plays before getting his award."

8:22 p.m. Ha ha, the songwriter thanked his ex-wife! For... "being such a good mother!" And apparently she deserves her half of his winnings, ha ha.

8:23 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is still "hosting." And introducing Taylor Swift. Who is coming out of a... flower? Is this sponsored by Tampax now?

8:24 p.m. Um... who wears gloves while playing guitar?

8:24 p.m. Oh, no one taught her how to not spit her 'p's into the wireless mic yet. But, to quote Randy Jackson, she is only 17. And this song's pretty cute.

8:26 p.m. The "twirling her hair during the cutest lyrics" routine is a little old, though. Also, I will bet you that guitar isn't miked, and is just there as a sparkly prop.

8:27 p.m. COMING UP (much much later): THE EAGLES. DUDE.

8:28 p.m. Plucked from the comments section: "A friend of mine is in one of tonight's multi-nominated acts tells me most of these performers are of course not playing or singing live. Sugarland apparently kinda freaks them out backstage by insisting on doing it all fer real." I don't know, those spitty 'p' sounds sure didn't sound like they were taped! Although maybe that was an effect, too? God, who can tell anymore, really?

8:32 p.m. And now we have the "marching band and Brad Paisley" performance, in which the geekiest thing you can do offline—i.e. be a band geek—is brought together with Paisley's ode to being a MySpace dork. OK this conceptually is amazing.

8:32 p.m. He is performing in The Matrix !!! But there's a marching band!

8:34 p.m. I am really identifying with this song way too much. Brad, if you ever need to get in the head of a professional blogger, let me know!

8:35 p.m. Oh wait, now he's dancing with actual girls? See, this would never happen on the Internet. But the marching band is back to rescue the geek quotient!

8:36 p.m. Apparently those ladies were Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler. And there was a dancing fat band geek who is probably Brad's attempt to go "viral."

8:37 p.m. Alison Krauss is on now, minus Robert Plant but with Union Station.

8:39 p.m. The pretty, understated song is only making me again have VMA flashbacks. NEVER FORGET 09 09 07.

8:44 p.m. An ad for the American Music Awards! Hey we're liveblogging those too!

8:45 p.m. Big & Rich, dressed in fur coats, dedicate their song to the "King of Bling," Porter Wagoner. This song is about liking it loud, making them ... the Kiss of country? The bombastic arena rock sure adds to that feeling, although Kiss would never use a wah-wah pedal in such an egregious way.

8:47 p.m. Seriously, all this song needs is the Jackyl guy to do a chainsaw solo and then it would be perfect Headbanger's Ball of '90 fodder. Even with the just-bass-and-vocals breakdown that is the bridge. The dancing ladies look kind of idiotic, though, with their barely-there costumes and overchoreographed moves.

8:48 p.m. And now this song is biting Velvet Revolver? Huh?

8:49 p.m. Three cute young men come out to present Vocal Group of the Year. The one in the middle looks a little bit like the drummer from the Foo Fighters!

8:50 p.m. Rascal Flatts wins the Vocal Group of the Year award, which—at least in sheer chart terms—makes sense.

8:51 p.m. Ah, a nice little Chevy Tahoe ad stuck into the introduction for Rodney Atkins, who is "down-to-earth, but up the charts." Does that even make sense?

8:53 p.m. I understand that Rodney wants to be down with the common man, but dude is dressed like he's headed to a pickup softball game after his performance. Unless that's his afterparty...

8:55 p.m. Still to come: The awkward ABC tie-ins continue with a half-hour host slot taken up by the Private Practice chick!

8:57 p.m. One thing that you forget when you watch most of your TV via TiVo: Ads for holiday shopping and holiday movies and holiday holiday holiday holiday start way early.

8:59 p.m A child's toy that has a date-rape drug... inside? God bless local news.

8:59 p.m. Kate Walsh is doing the "stall for time" thing by saying the word "Nashville" over and over again.

8:59 p.m. Carrie Underwood singing "So Small." Oh come on, everyone—surely you all know the words from that CMT marathon of the clip a few weeks back?

9:00 p.m Uh oh, she is sounding a little off. Maybe it's the yellow?

9:02 p.m. She hit the big note, though, and that's probably all anyone will remember tomorrow.

9:03 p.m. Vince Gill is brought out to introduce another performer. Does that mean no more Kate Walsh? Did the ABC powers that be just give up after that awkward ... OH NO IT'S THE EAGLES

9:05 p.m. The disadvantage of growing up in the 1980s: You will never not see Glenn Frey and not expect him to bust into "The Heat Is On."

9:06 p.m. This song is, like, aggressively generic. If I closed my eyes, I'd just think it was some song from 30 years ago. But I guess that's the point, right?

9:08 p.m. It's over! Wait, it's over? That's it? So who's the big finish? Oh... it's going to be Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, isn't it. GET READY FOR THE BEST VERSION OF "GOLD DIGGER" EVER.

9:10 p.m. You heard it here first: The bloggers are going to be all over Jim Noir for Target this holiday season.

9:13 p.m. This Kate Walsh upskirt angle is very, um, odd.

9:14 p.m. Brooks & Dunn. This is one of those "things are just getting worse and worse" songs with the uplifting title "God Must Be Busy."

9:16 p.m. Ah, now I'm depressed.

9:17 p.m. It would appear that all of the "Horizon" artists' video intros are Chevy ads.

9:18 p.m. In case you didn't remember that Jason Aldean's song was a tribute to Johnny Cash, the giant lit-up CASH behind him wants to remind you. But won't this just confuse the casual viewer?

9:19 p.m. And as Jess' mom pointed out, this song is much more Skynyrd than Cash, thus adding to the confusion! Not that I don't like it, but it is very Southern-rock.

9:20 p.m. Hey, it's Jewel! And her snaggletooth is still keepin' it country as she presents Vocal Duo of the Year.

9:22 p.m. Sugarland takes the duo prize.

9:23 p.m. Lots of people thanking radio tonight, which is sort of quaint.

9:26 p.m. Oh wow, a show about being pregnant starring that really annoying woman from Best Week Ever? I think I've found the worst TV show of all time. And yes, I'm including Whoops! in that calculation.

9:28 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is looking old. And awkward. And he's introducing Sugarland, which is apparently reversing the "nominees play then they win trend" established by so many other music-award shows.

9:30 p.m. This seems like a fine time to refill my water glass.

9:33 p.m. OK, maybe that was unfair. This woman can really fucking sing. It's just hard to focus on a performance when you're typing at the same time. (I know, I know, first-world problems.) But the crowd loooooooved it. Standing ovation! I will rewatch on TiVo later.

9:34 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is giving a Porter Wagoner elegy.

9:35 p.m. That stagehand who came running out during the moment of silence is so fired.

9:35 p.m. Album of the Year: Brad Paisley, George Strait, Dierks Bentley, Keith Urban, Vince Gill. (On a side note, does the semi-capitalization of the Urban album drive anyone else crazy?) Strait wins.

9:38 p.m. Earlier tonight, the Jason Alexander-directed video for Brad Paisley's "Online" won the Music Video of the Year award. Wait, there wasn't enough time to give it the prize in a three-hour show? Poor music videos.

9:42 p.m. And now LeAnn Rimes is back in a purple boob-slign dress and bragging about how she's never been arrested.

9:43 p.m. Martina McBride apparently stopped off at the show as she was going from work to happy hour at Chili's. Who on earth decided that skinny ties were back?

9:45 p.m. Another "inspirational" song, although this time the audience can apparently sing along thanks to the dot-com-ad-like words that are floating around the screen.

9:47 p.m. Still not really sure why Sheryl Crow is there.

9:47 p.m. LeAnn "Ellen Pompeo" Rimes and her boob sling return to introduce Keith urban (see, I'm playing with his capitalization style).

9:48 p.m. Keith is looking more James Spader-like than ever. This song is sweet enough, although it's odd that he's apparently performing in front of the set from Madonna's "Human Nature" video, and that it's filled with his string section.

9:51 p.m. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. It's true. I hear you, Keith!

9:53 p.m. Carrie Underwood is out of the yellow tulle ... confection she was in earlier for the purposes of presenting the (apparently not-Chevy-sponsored) Horizon Award. Two of the nominees have yet to perform, which is kind of awkward!

9:54 p.m. Taylor Swift wins.

9:55 p.m. She's crying. It's very sweet! And hard not to think "God, I hope this ends well." Even though she just called winning the award the highlight of her senior year, which probably made half the audience mutter, "Oh, come the fuck on" under their breath.

9:56 p.m. A Mary Kay TV ad?

9:59 p.m. Coming up on the 11:00 news: Why are concert tickets so expensive?? This is news I can use... for a cheap post tomorrow!

10:00 p.m. Oh, thank God Leann has changed into a better dress. To sing with Reba McEntire, of course.

10:02 p.m. This is fine—and the lighting design is to die for!—but it's too bad that Kelly Clarkson couldn't make it out to the show. It could have even helped her album sales. (My December dropped off the Billboard 200 this week, y'all. Snif.)

10:04 p.m. And now, the first of the two artists who didn't win the Horizon Award ... it's Little Big Town! Featuring a woman who is dressed in a costume that looks like my "blonde goth chick but it's really supposed to be Courtney Love" costume from 11th grade.

10:07 p.m. For a Little Big Town, there sure are a lot of people on stage. But this song is pretty OK. That's all I can really say.

10:11 p.m. Whoa, dying battery there! So I missed Carrie Underwood thanking everyone and God and wearing a much better dress while winning Female Vocalist of the Year, and I missed Dierks Bentley totally spazzing out over Alison Krauss.

10:18 p.m. Kimberly Williams (go Cats!) comes out to make a few jokes about married life and introduce Kenny Chesney, who is dressed in a getup that's more "middle manager at Blockbuster" than "Jimmy Buffett of the black-hat set."

10:20 p.m. This guy's live show must be a lot of fun, because this song doesn't exactly scream "sandless beach party" to me. Maybe the three-foot margaritas help?

10:22 p.m. The very deep-voiced Josh Turner busts out "Firecracker," which has a bunch of "-ockin" rhymes that makes me think that he's going to start singing about vans that you shouldn't be a-knockin' on.

10:26 p.m. This song is already seeping into my brain, to the point where I suspect it will be in my iTunes by this time tomorrow.

10:27 p.m. Everyone thanks radio, but the winning radio stations only get a cursory pre-commercial mention. Speaking of neglected outlets...

10:31 p.m. Oh, Kim! Your jokes about being married to Brad Paisley do not stop! Now they're about Kellie Pickler and Brad hooking up! Hilarious. No, really. This shit is gold for Father Of The Bride 3.

10:32 p.m. Kellie's hair is brushed back in such a way that it makes her look like a panelist on Match Game '76. And her earpiece is creeping me out in an "Aimee Mann's rat tail in the 'Voices Carry' video" sort of way.

10:34 p.m. What's hilarious about this stage setup is that it exactly evokes the American Idol Serious Song layout—strings stage left, piano right there. Kellie's voice actually sounds decent, in a pretty, vulnerable way. Much better than when she was on Idol.

10:35 p.m. Oh no, now she's crying! Oh, wow. Aw. Also: way to steal the spotlight from Carrie. Well played.

10:36 p.m. And we cut to Kimberly Williams looking grave. Then again, if I had to introduce Kid Rock, I wouldn't be too pleased either.

10:36 p.m. Kid Rock: Ugh.

10:37 p.m. Male Vocalist of the Year: Brad Paisley. Aww, and his wife is onstage. This is so adorable! The only way it could be better is a Martin Short run-in!

10:39 p.m. Brad Paisley: Friend of the fans, William Morris, and ASCAP. But are they his friends on MySpace?

10:45 p.m. And now ... old friends Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, who portrayed "one of the greatest country singers of all time." In Ray, you know.

10:47 p.m. Oh, Gary LeVox. Never was a man more unfortunately named at a moment in time. Did you have a big glass of milk before you came on stage?

10:47 p.m. And now, here's Jamie Foxx. It's all context, you know? 15 years ago, this would have been intentionally funny. (OK OK he sounds good. But LeVox is LeOctave-Challenged.)

10:49 p.m. Wow, this is rough. A friendship of 10 years, ruined by an errant consumption of dairy! And now Jamie is freestyling and Gary can't even keep up on that.

10:54 p.m. It's Entertainer of the Year time, you guys! Which man (or group of men) will win? God, if it's Rascal Flatts after that performance ....

10:55 p.m. Kenny Chesney. Aw, Brad Paisley, it's OK. You won the Idolator vote! Not that it really counts for much of anything.

10:56 p.m. What's great about this show is how sincerely thankful everyone seems, instead of just, you know, drunk. (Not to name names of other awards shows or anything!) Kenny Chesney sells a bunch of records and he's like going to cry on stage? I don't think he took some downers before going up.

10:57 p.m. And that's it! It ends early! When does that happen on a live broadcast? Is that another sign of peoples' humility or just the fact that it's really easy to power through a show when only eight awards are given out? Either way, I feel so good, I feel like I could keep liveblogging all night! Maybe the local news will lead with that "expensive concert tickets" story...

[Photo: Getty Images. And no, that isn't Robyn. It's Kellie Pickler. I was confused at first, too!]