Idolator

Brendon Lloyd serves up a parody of an RIAA threat letter at McSweeney's:

If you would like to make an excuse, please mark one of the boxes below with a No. 2 pencil and return.

1. My computer was hacked.

2. I am poor and cannot afford music. That is why I download songs at the public library. Please don't sue me or my children will starve. :(

3. One of your goons was in a van outside my house using my wireless connection to frame me.

4. Other children were singing the "Happy Birthday" song, but I was just lip-synching.

Due to the extremely large volume of replies, we cannot mock your pathetic lies personally, but we will reply with a computer-generated message to the effect of "We have billions of dollars and we will spend the last cent on lawyers to crush you" and "Who is going to believe you? Nobody, that's who." The message will appear in an envelope on your pillow when you awake, along with photographs of you, your wife, and your children asleep, and there will be a new randomly chosen settlement amount from $200,000 to $4,000,000,000,000. You will be billed $64.34 for the cost of the photos and processing.

We're sure someone over there is reading this fake letter and wishing that they had their act that together.

"The Recording Industry Will Destroy You." [McSweeney's, via Boing Boing]
Previously: File-Sharing Lawsuit Torpedoed By Lousy Proofreading