Idolator

Editor's note: For the last few weeks, harpist Joanna Newsom has been receiving widespread critical acclaim for her most recent album, Ys; and for the last two days, Idolator has been receiving emails purporting to be from Newsom's harp, Mildred. After confirming with Newsom's management that Mildred's Gmail account was legitimate, we now present her most recent dispatch...

Idolators—

PLING! PLUCK! PLING! Thanks be for you for hearing me out; it has made me such a happy little harp. I know I will not make Ms. Joanna happy, but that is okay. Whenever she gets mad at me, I put on that PBS documentary about dolphin sounds, and she falls asleep and forgets about the whole thing. Those dolphin animals are so calming! Like Bob Ross, but with blowholes.

Anyway, I am writing because of the many nice things being said Ms. Joanna's new album, which yes, I played on, and which I love very much. PLING! But as much as I like it, I, as a harp, am somewhat surprised by all the nice things critics be saying. Yes, it is a pretty collection of noises. And yes, Ms. Joanna is so, very pretty (especially when she sleeps—oh, such joy when she sleeps, like a fawn dreaming of snowy archipelagos!). PLUCK!

But really, I wonder, do these people actually put this record on all the time and be listen every day, and at so many occasions, even at the gym? Even me thought it was large and long—and being a harp, I know large and long!! ZLING! Pitchfork really thinks "Emily" is one of the bestest tracks of the year? When Kim Jong drops two loads off San Diego, and we all have an hour left, they will put on "Emily" and not the song about the backs being sexy? Is this not silly?

I am, like Ms. Whitney, only asking because you know about these things.

STRUM!

Mildred